I’d always read Descartes' philosophical quote “I think, therefore I am” in essays and articles, but could never understand what he was talking about. “Therefore, I am what?"
I was relieved when I started identifying as non-binary. It felt liberating and exciting, but also unsettling. It presented a new dilemma about my existence: if I have renounced the gender binary, aren’t I still acknowledging the concept of gender? The thing is, I didn’t want a new gender. This realisation felt destabilising and suddenly I was back in my previous position. In a world divided by the gender binary I was still confused. Everyone else seemed be very comfortable in their skin, whereas I just felt like a weird, amorphous blob.
I often feel unsettled. My long dangly arms flail around like they’re made of jelly, and sometimes I frighten myself by looking in the mirror and noticing how wet and spherical my eyeballs are. It’s difficult for me to socialise in an acceptable way. When talking, I don’t know what to do with my eyes, or my head, or my hands. I reveal too little or too much about myself. It’s as if an alien was dared to hold a conversation with an earth human. One day, a UFO might fly over my house and send down some sort of beacon or transmission. It will be like that episode of The Twilight Zone where the living, walking talking mannequin is so integrated with the human world that she forgot about her mannequin community in the department store. I will scream in horror as they transport me back to the spaceship. They will scorn me for my pathetic attempts at understanding humans. Rather than an alien, maybe I was destined to be an ooze-ish creature. If I can renounce gender, can I renounce being human? Would it be possible for me to live in a swamp, surrounded by amphibious creatures, and not catch some sort of parasite?
I recently spotted a slime mould. At least I think it was a slime mould. It was a wet, yellowish disc growing on a property near my Mum’s house and appeared to melt into the grass. Slime moulds are clusters of spores that feed on bacteria, fungi, rotting material and other organic things. They are big gelatinous blobs, and still relatively unknown to the world. Upon researching I couldn’t find its species. It bore resemblance to a SCOBY, but how would that be possible? Perhaps someone tried to brew kombucha but became overwhelmed with the responsibility. Still, why not dispose of it in household waste? Why endure its slimy presence right outside your window? It is a mystery. I have never grown a SCOBY and don't intend to. I am more excited by the prospect of a naturally growing blob, not one that a human cultivated in a jar, but big piles of algae that arise after wet weather, an orgy of bacteria and spores.
Scientists are always discovering ways in which slime moulds behave with the universe. They used to be considered fungi, but are now classified as protists, much like amoebas and plankton. If slime moulds can be reclassified, can humans?
Many professionals still lack information about slime moulds. Even fungus and mycelium have the science world boggled. But there is comfort in this: these blobs can thrive in mystery- growing and spreading or living simple lives. I hope that I can do the same. I've realised what Descartes was talking about. Knowing we are human is what makes us human. It speaks to our fundamental quest for knowledge and affirmation. Being non-binary will always be difficult for me to describe, but I think that validates its existence. I feel very odd, and that is okay.
I think, therefore I am… a blob, I think.
Alice King is currently studying a Bachelor in Creative Writing and living in Naarm/Melbourne. They specialise in writing experimental non-fiction about the environment, gender, and mental health. In their spare time, they also make comics and write songs.