I hate myself, but not really
Actually, yes, I do, come see!
I hate how my body rounds and folds in plain sight
I hate that each blemish it holds decreases my market value
I hate markets, market, markets
I hate that my laugh is squeaky, my interests too girly
I hate that when I am enough, it is calculated by your valuing system
I hate, I hate, I hate
I hate that this list is so long, but if it were shorter, I’d be conceited
I hate that your opinion is more important than my own
I hate as I love...love, love?
I hate trying to love when there is so much hate
Too much, too much, too much
I hate when women are confident; can’t they see all they should hate? They too are rounded, blemished, squeaky, and girly.
They should hate, hate, hate
I’ll hate them until they understand
In this hating, I hope to be loved more
I’ll hate them, myself, them, and then myself again
I’ll throw stones at their soft bodies while looking in the opposite direction, Your direction
I’ll smile while I throw
It feels good!
Thank you, thank you, thank you
You feel good
Thank you, thank you, thank you
It’s so freeing to hate
I do it so well from my cage
No, no, I’m not hungry; the rust upon the bars is sustenance enough
I lick, I lick, I lick
If my licking means your liking, then licking I will do
Do, do, do
Oh, please take more! No, I’m full; go ahead.
Take, take, take
If my hating means your loving, then hating I will do.
Lila Ruffilli-O'Sullivan is a third-year Creative Writing student at RMIT, who is currently residing in Naarm/Melbourne. Her writing practice focuses on creative fiction, currently centering on socio-political fiction and exploring the symbiotic relationship between humans and the planet. She has additionally dabbled in screenwriting, having written and produced a theatrical production when completing her Theatre Arts Diploma at Melbourne Polytechnic in 2019. Lila is currently focusing on further exploring her world of fiction, specifically through the disillusioned, yet hopeful internal dialogue found within adulthood.